


love, love and so on

by closingdoors



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F, also a lot of vanessa/kirin mentions, i just rly love vanessa woodfield u guys, i warn you: there's lots of internalised homophobia in this one, lots of rhona/vanessa mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:08:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22261570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closingdoors/pseuds/closingdoors
Summary: "Did you always know you liked women?" Vanessa asks, the question tumbling from her lips before she's even realised that's what's bothering her.Charity and Vanessa discuss sexuality. Set sometime after Paddy found them in the cellar.
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Comments: 16
Kudos: 201





	love, love and so on

**Author's Note:**

> This mostly came about because I tweeted [this clip](https://twitter.com/pxpperpotts/status/1215983302152159233), had a lot of feelings about Vanessa Woodfield, and then tried to unsuccessfully drown them out with my Vanessa/Rhona playlist (don't question why I have one of those). 
> 
> I kind of hate that Charity and Vanessa have never had a discussion like this on the actual show, so I thought I'd throw my own iteration of one into the ring. It ended up running away from me. I hope you guys like it all the same.

You want a better story. Who wouldn’t?  
A forest, then. Beautiful trees. And a lady singing.  
_Love on the water, love underwater, love, love_ and so on.

**Litany in Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out, Richard Siken**

* * *

Vanessa watches Charity breathe in deeply when she runs her index finger from the top of her spine all the way down to the bottom, feeling the bump of each vertebrae underneath. She used to do the same thing with Kirin, she thinks absently, while he was sleeping and the thoughts in her head were too loud.

Charity isn't asleep, though Vanessa's certain she'd heard her snoring five minutes ago, and she rolls over to greet Vanessa with that smirk that she always desperately wants to kiss. She settles on letting her palm rest against her stomach, rising and falling with the rhythm of Charity's breathing. 

"Something on your mind, babe?" 

Vanessa tries not to let the surprise show on her face; she hadn't thought Charity would care. Charity rolls her eyes. 

"Can practically hear them cogs turning, can't I?" 

"Sorry." 

Charity quirks an eyebrow. "What is it?" 

"Do you even care?"

"Depends on what it is, babe," Charity murmurs, turning onto her side. Vanessa's hand slips to the dip of her waist easily. "Something salacious, I hope."

"Does everything with you have to do with sex?"

Charity laughs, too bright and breezy, but Vanessa already knows she won't push her on it.

"Most things actually, yeah."

Vanessa sighs, uncertain how to turn the thoughts in her head into words. She's not even sure what she's feeling, not really, and she's hardly going to blab about her emotions to Charity. After one night together Charity had gone off and told practically told the whole village. She can't be trusted. Vanessa knows that. Yet here she is, back in her bed, despite her best intentions. 

It's different when she's with Charity like this, compared to how she is in public. She's not sure what kind of different. It's just different.

"Did you always know you liked women?" She asks, the question tumbling from her lips before she's even realised that's what's bothering her.

It seems to take Charity aback, too. Vanessa lets her hand withdraw, already missing the feeling of Charity's skin under her fingertips. She pulls the covers up and over her shoulders, determined to give herself some barriers.

"Not always, no. I was with Chris, my first husband, when I was first with a woman." Charity pauses, her eyes assessing, and Vanessa fights to keep her expression empty. "We weren't kind to each other in the end. She used me and I used her. There's not a lot to tell." 

Vanessa's willing to bet there's a bigger story behind that then Charity's willing to share. Paddy had mentioned Zoe Tate to her, sometime after her night with Charity had first been exposed; a way of cheering her up somehow. He hadn't known all the details, he'd just known they'd happened, that Zoe had even wound up raising Noah for a little while.

"Didn't it, you know, freak you out?"

"I don't scare easily." 

"No, I know that. But you must've been confused," she insists.

"Not confused. Just surprised. Didn't take me too long to wrap my head around it," Charity replies nonchalantly. 

"It didn't make you question anything? You still knew you liked blokes?" 

Charity shrugs. "It doesn't make a lick of difference to me what's between someone's legs. If I like 'em then I like 'em. It's as simple as that."

God, she wishes it were. She's spent a lot of her life in bed with men, more than she's willing to admit to thanks to her partying days, and that'd always been simple. The friends she'd had before she'd moved to the village would tease her for never holding down a relationship; she'd just smile and turn away, indulging her hangover with a fry up. She'd never really thought about women like that. Isn't this something she should've noticed earlier?

It would be easy if she could tell herself that maybe Charity's just the exception to the rule. The woman is sex personified; her touch is like lava on her skin and the way she swings her hips is enough to turn anyone's heads. But then there's the _other_ thing. The Rhona thing. It's twice now she's fallen for a woman. That's two too many times to be an anomaly.

"S'that what's bothering you? Little bit of gay panic?"

"I'm not gay," she argues hotly. 

Charity tuts, pushing the covers away. The cold wraps around Vanessa's body until Charity slots her thigh between hers, pressing her body against her side, and all she feels is heat. She closes her eyes when Charity kisses her neck, then lower, against her shoulder, her collarbone. 

"You like that a little too much for a straight woman," Charity comments, lips grazing the swell of her breast.

Vanessa growls, tugging Charity up with hands fisted in her hair. She kisses her hard, angry, and Charity laughs against her mouth. Desire swirls in her stomach instantly, raw and animalistic, in the way she hadn't felt before she was first with Charity. She pushes her away abruptly. 

Charity catches herself on her elbows, eyes-wide.

"Sorry," Charity says.

Vanessa pushes herself to sit, crossing her arms over her torso. It's unfair, the hold Charity has over her. 

"You're not though, are you? You think this is all just one big joke."

"Woah, where's this come from?"

"You were happy to tell everyone at the pub all about my business. Telling them I'm gay like _you'd_ know more than _me._ " 

"Babe, that was months ago. I thought we were past that." 

"Well maybe I'm not!"

"You keep yelling like that and you'll wake Chas," Charity snaps. When Vanessa goes silent, she smirks. "Thought that'd shut you up."

"You're a right cow sometimes." 

"Yeah, yeah. I've heard it all before."

Vanessa looks away, over at the pile their clothes have become. Charity had closed the door with Vanessa's body earlier, her hands eager and her lips insistent, and Vanessa hadn't stopped to second-guess why she likes the way Charity kisses her or why it feels like she's going to burst if she doesn't touch her bare skin. When Charity's touching her everything else becomes white noise.

"Look kid, it doesn't have to be a big deal, alright? It's not like anyone cares about what you're into." 

" _I_ care," Vanessa protests. 

Charity pushes herself to sit too. Vanessa still doesn't look at her. She feels Charity's hand on her thigh. The touch isn't sexual, but her heart races anyway, because she can't think of a time when Charity hasn't touched her just to get her in her bed.

"Why did you kiss me?" 

"What?"

Vanessa shifts to look at Charity, holding her chin high.

"In the cellar. Why did you kiss me?" 

"Well I'd had a bit to drink if you remember, babe. I thought it'd be fun," she replies with a crooked smile. The hand on Vanessa's thigh squeezes. "Mostly wanted to wind you up. I didn't think you'd kiss me back. _That_ was a nice surprise."

"That's it?" 

"What do you want me to say, Vanessa?"

She doesn't _know._ That's the thing. She wants there to be a meaning behind it, to try and dissect it, as if that'll help soothe her worries about this whole mess. She'd thought about that kiss non-stop until she'd gathered the courage to confront Charity about it. 

She closes her eyes now, remembering the feel of Charity's lips against hers and the stench of ale. She'd pulled away, but Vanessa had closed the distance after only a second's hesitation. They'd kissed for what felt like hours, her lips numb by the end of it all, Charity's hand creeping under her dress. She'd wanted that hand to climb higher but she hadn't had the guts to say it, and it was only once the morning came that she'd come to realise what that meant.

"How did you know that I wasn't gonna be disgusted with you? You've only ever known me to be with men," Vanessa says.

Charity tosses her hair over one shoulder, rolling her eyes. "I've been with more men than women, doesn't mean I don't like women all the same."

"But you didn't know that about _me."_

"Oh, just come out and say it already. I'm getting tired."

"Say what?" She asks, mouth dry.

Charity narrows her eyes. "You want to know how I knew about you and Rhona."

The words hit her like a punch to the gut. All these years later and she still feels _shame._

Because that's what Rhona had made her feel, more than anything else. More than love. Anger clusters in her chest and she's horrified when she realises she's close to tears. She looks away quickly, hoping Charity won't notice them.

It's been a long time since she's cried over Rhona, but it's a familiar feeling all the same. It's fair and it isn't, because Rhona had been an addict and she hadn't been herself, but she had hurt her and she'd never really apologised for it. It'd made her feel dirty, being with Rhona, even if that's not what it _was._ She'd loved her and she'd wanted to help her and everything had muddled together. 

Even if she may tell Rhona differently, it had been love. Not just for a friend. She'd only convinced herself otherwise because Rhona and everyone else around them had been so disgusted by the alternative.

Part of her wonders if that's what'd made Kirin so appealing to her; her relationship with him was something frowned upon. Something to be ashamed of. Hidden. Maybe she'd only ever loved him because that's the only way she'd known love to be.

"Vanessa," Charity murmurs. "C'mon. Don't cry. You know I'm no good with that stuff."

Vanessa touches her fingers to her cheek, surprised to find tears have escaped without her permission.

"Sorry," she mumbles.

"It's alright," Charity replies, soft and kind in a way she hasn't heard before.

She picks at an errant piece of lint on the sheet, trying to figure out what to say. She's never cried in front of Charity before. She hadn't planned on ever letting her guard down around her, but look at her now. Sniffling like a child in her bed.

She waits for Charity to make a stupid comment, something mean, but she doesn't. When she glances over at Charity, she's watching her patiently.

"It's not like we were ever together or anything. Me and Rhona. Not properly, because she was... and you know she had an addiction. It's not her fault," she argues weakly. Charity stays silent and she sighs. "I just thought if I helped her through it, she'd see, you know? That we were... but she freaked out. I thought that was normal. I thought she was scared. And she told me - "

Her throat closes up, thinking about the way Rhona had used her. The way she'd kissed her, said she loved her too, but hadn't meant any of it. 

"I just got it all wrong and messed everything up. And then I spent a long time trying to convince myself none of it was real. But it _was,_ Charity. I loved her," she confesses quietly.

When Charity reaches for her, she follows. The kiss is salty with her tears but the hand Charity curls around the back of her neck is grounding.

"Did you like that?" Charity asks. Vanessa frowns and she rolls her eyes. "Simple question, yes or no: Do you like it when you're with me?" 

Her cheeks flare with heat, but she nods.

"Right then. That's the only thing that matters. Not Daz or Rhona or what anyone else has to say about it. It doesn't matter how anyone reacts, it's about how you feel." 

"What if what I feel is shame?" She asks, voice breaking.

Charity gives her a small smile, squeezing her shoulders.

"I reckon that's probably normal, babe. All part of the process."

She thinks about Rhona, about giving her drugs just because it might make Rhona love her, about how she had overdosed after the truth came out and Vanessa had left. The days when she hadn't known what was going on, the way Paddy and Marlon and even Laurel had turned on her. Everyone blaming Rhona's addiction on her. The word _lesbian_ spat out like it was dirt.

"You know, Rhona took me to a gay bar before. She was trying to be supportive after everything. I think. She was clean by then," Vanessa explains, frowning. "It didn't feel right and I convinced myself that I only loved Rhona because she was her. Not because she was a woman. I just thought she was, I dunno, a one-off."

"Because that's what you wanted her to be?"

Vanessa inhales sharply. "Yeah. Pretty much."

It would be easier if she had been. Then she wouldn't think about how much she wants Charity, deeply, and feel a riot of embarrassment come over her. It would just be okay.

She can't imagine thinking the words _gay_ and _okay_ in the same sentence when it comes to herself. For other people, sure. But those seeds of doubt Rhona had sowed in her initially are always going to be there. And things might be different now. Rhona herself might have tried to assure Vanessa that being gay is fine, after Charity had gone around shouting about their night to the pub, but she still can't accept it. She doesn't _want_ to accept it.

"C'mere," Charity whispers.

She does. She's surprised when Charity tugs the covers over them, laying down with Vanessa against her side. Vanessa rests her head on Charity's chest and listens to the rhythm of her heartbeat underneath. Strong and steady.

Even this is different. Charity's chest isn't flat, not like Kirin's, not like any man she's been with. She's softer, too, despite the hardened words she flings at people. Vanessa sighs, roping her arm around Charity's waist. She _likes_ these differences. She's drawn to them. 

Charity runs one hand through her hair and Vanessa fights the urge to cry again. 

"You told the pub I was gay," she says, her fingers running the length of Charity's collarbone.

"Probably shouldn't have done that," Charity mutters.

"No, that's not what I - I'm just wondering how you knew."

Charity laughs, her smile pressed against the crown of Vanessa's head. She squeezes her hip softly.

"I'm a woman. You're a woman. We slept together. It's not rocket science, babe."

"But I didn't go around saying _you_ were gay."

"I don't think anyone would believe you if you did," Charity comments with another laugh. Vanessa feels herself smiling. "Babe, it's not like... I wasn't trying to advertise it or anything. But seeing you with Daz, I had to say something. You were just acting. It was written over you plain as day."

The honesty is refreshing, and shocks her to say to least. She'd been angry with Charity at first, for laying it out in the open like that, especially when she hadn't been ready to confront it herself. She's _still_ angry about it, to tell the truth. She would've preferred to do it on her own terms.

But look at how that'd backfired on her last time. When she'd confessed her feelings to Rhona, she'd been told she was confused. Soon enough she'd convinced herself and everyone around her that'd it all been confusing. That she had been confused. 

_Confused._ She hates that word. Because that's not the word to describe her at all. 

And last time she'd been through this, been with a woman, she'd scuttled back into the closet with her tail between her legs, convincing herself she loved a _boy_ just so that she didn't have to accept the truth. She refuses to be ashamed anymore.

"Charity," she says shakily, shifting to look at her, "I'm gay."

Charity nods, smiling softly and drawing her close for a kiss. Vanessa rolls until she's on her back, Charity above her, holding her weight on her elbows. She closes her arms around Charity and tugs, until her weight's resting against her instead. She likes the feeling. She likes a lot of things about Charity Dingle, as surprised as she is by that. Not just because she's a woman, but that helps too. She can't stomach the thought of being like this with a man ever again.

When Charity draws away, she rubs her thumb against Vanessa's swollen lips, giving her a grin that's smug and dangerous all at once. Vanessa wants to hate her for it but she can't.

"You know what, babe? I reckon Rhona was mental to let you go."

Vanessa swallows roughly. "Yeah? You gonna give her what for?" 

"Nope," Charity replies, popping the _p._ She leans in close again. "Just suppose it's lucky for me, innit?"

They kiss again and Vanessa lets her hands wander along Charity's body. It had been so easy, in the beginning, to tell herself that maybe she didn't like this at all. That being touched by a woman wasn't so different to being touched by a man; anyone would like it. But the difference came in how deeply she craved the feel of Charity's skin in return, how much she yearned to taste it with her tongue.

It had never been like this with men. Not even with Kirin. She had always been fighting to prove something; always content to put her dissatisfaction down to sex being overrated. There's never been a time with Charity where she hasn't felt breathless with pleasure. Even sometimes, just sitting the in the pub, she feels like she's going to melt into a puddle if Charity so much as looks at her.

It'd be easy to give Charity words that mean too much, she thinks. They're just casual, she and Charity. God knows the other woman has reminded her of that time and time again. But then Charity shows her softer side, on nights like these, and Vanessa knows she's falling.

She kisses her back with purpose. 

"Yeah," she murmurs, nipping at Charity's chin as her hand dips between her legs and Charity lets out a breathy moan above her, "lucky for you." 


End file.
